One Day at the Pentagon

So there I was… a junior field-grade officer [a staffer] at Headquarters United States Air Force, Pentagon.  I kept telling myself this is a good assignment—everyone said so—and supposedly it meant certain promotion; and it did ... but…  

In any case, here’s a couple of war stories

1.         The Memo

After initially reporting for duty at my new assignment, I spent a couple of weeks of inprocessing, i.e, signing in, getting appropriate badges, etc. I also attended various briefings, the topics ranging from nuclear strategy to office safety.  Finally, I was ready.  First task: I was directed to prepare a staff memo on some topic or other, for the higher ups. It was time sensitive and I was given a deadline of a few days.  As an eager beaver, I gave myself entirely to the task.  I imagined my memo having a direct impact on the readiness of the strategic nuclear forces of the United States and our national security.  On Friday, I turned in my memo to the colonel in charge of our division.  He thanked me and told me he would review it.   I was somewhat taken aback by his lackadaisical manner:  I’d been told this was a priority, I spent almost a week researching and analyzing the topic; therefore, it was ready to be given immediately to the President for his approval.

The following week, I received back my memo. It had red ink all over it… Diligently I redid the memo per the changes noted; and turned it in.  The colonel seemed satisfied that I incorporated  all of his changes.  We sent it up the chain.  A few days later my time-sensitive memo returned, this time with green ink all over it… more changes from some other colonel.  Once again I redid the memo incorporating all ‘suggested’ [a.k.a. mandatory] changes; and turned it in.

You guessed it… the memo came back with orange ink with further changes… After what seemed to be a couple of dozen changes in various colors, the memo was approved at division level, signed and sent upwards.  I compared the final version to my original version:  except for a couple of “glad” to “happy” changes, the original version did not differ much from the final version. 

Bottom line of story:  Air Force is top heavy with rank and Pentagon contains too many colonels with nothing to do but to edit memos with multi-colored pens… BTW:  The memo disappeared into the Pentagon’s black hole of busy work…

True story

2.         The Reception

While stationed there, I became friends with another junior field-grade officer.  He was a really nice guy, very quiet, diligent and focused, and totally dedicated to Air Force mission [Yes, he was a Zoomie [Air Force Academy graduate]].  Socially, he was quiet, never drank much at functions we attended [a.k.a., mandatory] His work was always impeccable and was generally considered a rising star.

One fine day, we were required to attend a social function hosted by a three-star general for some event or other – YAWN --  Various foreign officers had been invited and were in attendance.   Dinner was scheduled to start at 1900 (7:00 p.m. for civilians)  We were instructed to mingle about and just socialize with the foreign officers… My friend and I got there around 1630 (4:30 p. m.).  They had just opened the bar and drinks were free… I just settled with my usual Whisky Sour preparing to nurse it for a couple of hours. 

While mingling with some RAF officers, I noticed that my friend had gone over where a group of Korean army officers were drinking.  Having lived in Korea for three years, I can definitely say that Koreans know how to drink.  They were having a party all by themselves, drinking and laughing; and my friend was happily in the middle … socializing …

At 1855 (6:55 p.m.) the bell rang: dinner is about to start.  The Air Force three-star arrived.  He was one of those typical Air Force generals:  Skinny runner-type fighter pilot with a dour-face, totally humorless, and entirely focused on the mission (and his career therein).  I didn’t ‘socialize’ with him…

As I came to our table I saw my friend—he was shit-faced drunk… I had never seen him like that… I told him to get his shit together and maintain himself.  Promptly at 1900 the place was called to attention and the general formally entered into the dining hall; the entire assembly still at full attention.  As the general got to his table, suddenly there was a really loud CRASH:   Yep, my friend fell flat on his face in front of the entire assembly, taking some dishes with him to the floor.

ASTONISHED DEAD SILENCE…

After a moment, the general said: “Everyone may laugh now… "

COLLECTIVE ROAR OF LAUGHTER

"And I want to see that man in my office at 0630 tomorrow morning”

Thereafter my friend got every shit job and detail possible; he was everyone’s gopher and point man for shit.  He never mentioned the incident, and bore all the crap with stoic dignity never complaining… That must have impressed the general because my friend did get promoted; though, to the best of my knowledge, he never went drinking with Korean army officers again…

True story